I am writing this on the day that marks one year since my Uncle tragically and suddenly passed away. He is someone I have always looked up to, so losing him in the way that we did made me question everything. It was only recently when I have been able to come to terms with the reality of the situation and that he will not be coming back. For a while, I had to come up with a story in my mind about where he was because I could not accept I would never get to hug him again, hear him laugh at one of my lame jokes, or travel to the northern lights like we planned to.
In an effort to try to work through my grief, I started seeing a therapist shortly after my Uncle passed away. For a few months, it seemed like the therapist was helping but then we reached a plateau. I was still very upset and the therapist just kept reiterating the same phrases like, “Your Uncle wouldn’t want you to be sad” and “You can’t keep looking in the rearview.” I wanted to say in my New Jersey accent, “No kidding, dude!” Obviously my Uncle would not want me to be sad but I can not help it.
On the bright side, the therapist did teach me about the 7 Stages of Grief. He explained how you don’t usually experience the stages in a linear fashion, but rather a hopping from one to another and then back and forth.
My Favorite Uncle
My Uncle and I share a birthday. He is my Godfather. We are similar in a lot of ways. We excelled in school, like to travel, and play fun ole pranks (not the cruel kind). When my cousin (his daughter) graduated middle school, my Uncle took me and her on a tour of Italy. Yes, you read that right. He loves his family.
We explored Venice, Florence, Sorrento, Padua, Rome, Pisa, Capri, and ate lots of gelato (don’t tell the Vegan Police). When my cousin was too tired from jet lag and napped the night away, my Uncle and I roamed the streets taking in the historic sights in the evening light. There is something special about seeing a city at night and hearing the sounds that are trademark to a place.
Dream Bigger
My Uncle Robert was a person I could tell my dreams to and he would not discourage me. He would tell me if I was willing to put in the work, I could get anywhere and achieve anything. When I was applying to colleges, he encouraged me to apply to schools out of state because he knew my love for the beach and warm weather. I remember telling him how I wanted to go to school in Hawaii, he said, “Why not?”Around him, I did not feel small. My goals felt within reach and my potential, wide and boundless.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. For a while, I felt like nothing I did mattered because no matter what, he would still not be here. I could win an Oscar, but he would not be here to celebrate with me. I always planned on taking him with me to any sort of awards ceremony I got invited to because I knew he would make me feel calm and confident. He would also get along with everyone and likely befriend my biggest creative inspirations and introduce me because he is that cool.
Back to Reality
This past year has also been hard because of my health issues and other family member’s struggles. In times of high stress and uncertainty, I often feel my Uncle point me towards what I should do next. While this is a comfort and I never want to push his voice away, it reminds me how I will never hear him wish me ‘Happy Birthday’ again. On our birthday, people will be singing to me and not to both of us.
When he passed, I wanted to get a small plastic birthday cake to put with him in his final resting place. But, it would not have been delivered in time so I opted to draw one instead. I made him a birthday card and put it next to him so he will have it by his side forever. I will never forget him and the kind of person he was. He ceaselessly inspires me everyday and I listen to his advice when I am lucky enough to hear it.
As I am writing this, tears fall down my face. I just used medicated nose spray because my allergies have been bothering me so these tears are stinging my eyes. But maybe that’s my Uncle’s way of telling me to stop crying and go smile because he is with me and always will be. Sometimes I think I feel his hand on my shoulder. I tell myself it’s wishful thinking, but I hope it’s really him.
Uncle Robert, you made such an impact on my life and continue to do so even when you cannot be here physically. Thank you for not playing pranks on me as a ghost because that would freak me out. But thank you for not forgetting about me and doing little things to remind me that you are here. I love you forever and ever and more.
Your Goddaughter,
Arianna
xoxoxox
p.s. Here is the podcast I recorded talking about my Uncle. I talk about our travels to Italy and some of our funnest times together.
Aloha Arianna 